This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
