its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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