8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
