textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
