So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
