ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
