My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
