Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
