I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
