Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
