3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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