So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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