Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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