You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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