Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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