made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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