my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
