hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
