you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
