I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
