So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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