she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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