I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
