found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
