do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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