If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
