is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
