so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
