did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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