Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
