So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize