god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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