what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
