You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
