i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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