you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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