So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you win again, gameday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Randomize