Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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