I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
