I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm always down for nudity.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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