we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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