I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
