we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
