It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
