so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
