she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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