I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
