you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
