It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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