Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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