When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize