i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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