My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
