She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
