I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
