its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
