I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
