I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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