I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
