Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
