that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
