Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
