remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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