I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
