I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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